A DATE WITH DESTINY

by Dark Amethyst

Adjust the tie adjust the frown. This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

A carefully blank face regards me impassively from the mirror, my skin as pale as my soft dress shirt.

The eyes are a giveaway, I reflect, wishing not for the first time for my mask. Why can't I go through this as Tuxedo Kamen? He has no doubts.

"Mamoru-chan?" a soft voice calls from behind the closed door. "She is nearly ready. How are you doing?"

The already plain agony in my eyes deepens and my precious composure shatters like dropped crystal.

"Of all people, why does she come?" I ask myself, my hands clenching involuntarily. "And why that question?"

"Nearly." I manage to call, finding my voice with some difficulty. "Nearly done."

Too late. Of course she hears the upset in my tone. The door opens quietly, and a soft step approaches, stopping just behind me.

When I've gathered the strength, I raise my lowered eyes to regard her in the mirror. Rei-chan's face is a perfect reflection of mine - expression forcedly clear, but eyes reddened. Too many tears. Not enough sleep.

Our eyes lock, sharing volumes, but we don't speak. We've never spoken, not of this. Each too aware of the impossibility, too loathe to hurt the other - to hurt our friends. What can be said now, anyway?

Why must it be like this? How can I live like this?? Surely a man can only be torn so far before he goes mad...

I close my eyes as the increasingly familiar hell envelopes my mind like a cloud, choking me with hopelessness, helplessness, and desperate anger.

Beautiful Usagi - my destiny - my torment. Like some angel fallen to earth. A heart so pure and bright I can't look fully upon it without burning my eyes. Yet I, the shadow-knight, am doomed to love and guard her for eternity...

My hands, already clenched, tighten, my nails digging into my palms, physical pain somehow a comfort.

Why send me to defend her, yet fill my heart with a darkness she can never begin to comprehend?

My eyes flash back open and there are the eyes that do understand - beautiful amethyst jewels glittering with sweet darkness...with a million subtleties and secrets, shining as mine are, with threatening tears.

I feel her warmth so close behind me - like a hearth-fire at my back. Everything about her is fire - hypnotic, dangerous and all-consuming. How I long to throw myself upon that fire and have it incinerate me utterly...to set my baser soul alight, to act out every depraved desire she incites in me. Would I emerge somehow purified? Or instead evermore aflame...burning ceaselessly in purgatory.

As I am now.

Gentle strains of Bach begin to wash over us and we smile sadly at one another. Michiru's music speaks of happiness and hope, the murmur of the waiting guests a soft counterpoint - excitement and expectation. The world is waiting.

"Time to go," Rei-chan confirms quietly, dropping her eyes from mine. "You look perfect."

I straighten tie and jacket yet again, and my spine as well, for good measure, pushing my feelings deep deep down, removing the threat of tears. My mouth, however, hardens in response. How can I will it to speak - to say what I must, in such a few moments?

A soft hand pulls at my elbow and turns me firmly from the mirror towards the door. Dream-like...nightmare-like, I am led, from Rei-chan's guiding hand to Motoki's cheerful side as I step blinking into the brilliant sunlight.

Motoki claps me encouragingly on the shoulder before proceeding down the aisle, and I turn for a last look at Rei-chan. But she has gone, a shadow overwhelmed by all this light. I too am overwhelmed, my eyes still squinting at the day's brightness, my desolate heart cringing at the happiness and light in every face around me.

Somehow I make my way up the aisle, and turn at last, standing placid, surrendering to fate.

And now in turn appear Ami-chan, Mako-chan, Mini-chan, each one prettier than the other, each one positively aglow with the bloody certainty of the coming moment's perfection, calm in the comfort of destiny. In their familiar presences and encouraging smiles I am nearly re-indoctrinated myself...

But then Rei-chan appears, and I feel the weight of a thousand years of destiny crushing down upon me. Never a choice...never a chance...my whole life decided for me. A mission, a wife, even a child - all thrust upon me without a move made to seek them. And amidst all this - the woman who steps slowly towards me now - the answer to my heart's deepest desires...as lovely and sombre as the starry sky.

At the last moment, she raises her eyes to mine, and my whole soul cries out for her - my love...my choice denied.

But then she turns, and the crowd with her, and there stands Usagi, like a sunrise - so beautiful and golden, lit somehow from within.

Her pale skin flushes pink as all eyes turn to her, and her glance stays firmly on the floor as she begins her procession. To my surprise, I find myself suddenly smiling, knowing her thoughts.

"God, just don't let me trip..."

She makes the journey with no mishap, even with a measure of grace, and beams up at me, relieved and delighted, her face such a picture of childish innocence and joy, my heart aches - with love, with friendship, with a fierce desire to protect. My Usagi...my only love...together for eternity.

The priest motions for us to face one another, and we turn. To free her hands, Usagi passes her bouquet to Rei-chan, who then proceeds to stand...right behind her - directly in my line-of-vision, in Usagi's literal shadow. My heart winces and I demand once again, how much can one man be expected to stand?

"We are gathered here in the sight of God..." the priest begins, and my mind is suddenly lost in reflection, barely hearing more, merely going through the motions, preoccupied with a bitter thought. I never gave much credence to a god, but now I could almost acknowledge some hand in all of this...some sadistic plan.

The priest attracts my attention, and I listen more attentively, feeling almost grimly amused.

"Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health? And, forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her, so long as you both shall live?"

Shall you look into those amethyst eyes every day, and imagine her in your arms, sharing your darkness, sharing your fears, sharing your lust. Shall you see her suffering the same way, longing for you, each hating your own self for betraying Usagi...every single day, for so long as you both shall live?

Turn the knife, God. Go ahead, I can take it. What choice do you give me?

"I do."




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